Verse of the Day

My Musings, Observations, etc.


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September 20, 2010
Krystl asked:
I read your article on dating. And it didn't answer the questions I wanted to know.... I just got saved not to long ago. But I still have a boyfriend. He is very sweet, and well mannered. He has good respect. He is a hard worker, and loves to work! And he is saved!!! But lately we've been wondering 'bout some things. And we was wondering if you could give me some bible scripture on why preachers in church say its wrong to hold hands, hug, kiss, exc. Thanks for any help you can do. :)
Krystl, that is a great question! Have you ever considered the wedding ceremony? Think about the end of the ceremony where the preacher says, “I now pronounce you man and wife. Sir, you may now kiss your bride.” Is the preacher really giving them permission to kiss? Come on!! After all, this is 2010 – everyone kisses on the first date, right? Well, as Christians, we should not look at what everyone else does, we must look at what the Bible says. I hope you’re in a good church where the preacher has a backbone and preaches the Word of God! If this is the kind of church you’re in, you may have heard some of what I am about to say already. :)

The very first place we can look is 1 Corinthians 7
1Cor 7:1-2 Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. (2) Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.
God established and ordained a physical the relationship between a husband and his wife. Notice the context here: husband and wife. Outside of the relationship of a husband and wife, any physical contact between a man and a lady is very dangerous. In 1 Cor 7, Paul says it is ‘good’ for a man not to touch a woman. He did not say that a man should never touch a woman. Consider two examples, for a moment. First, picture a man who is in the military and who has been deployed in a warzone for a year. The day of his return is at hand and his wife waits patiently as his plane lands, taxis to its parking space. She is excited as the soldiers begin to come off the plane and finally, her eyes meet her husband’s eyes. They run to each other and meet in an embrace. On the other hand, imagine the same man coming home and, as his wife runs to him, his daughter runs along beside. Now, picture his daughter jumping and the soldier catching her in mid-air, spinning her around in a father’s loving embrace. Technically, they are both expressions of love and possession, but are the two embraces the same? No. One, in the bounds of marriage, is a forerunner of a romantic reunion which is long overdue where the other is a pure embrace showing a father’s love for his daughter. What is the difference between the two forms of love? One is born in romance where the other is the fruit of a father’s love.

Second, consider the word ‘love’. In the example above, we understand there are two distinctly different kinds of love being expressed: the love of a man for his wife and the love of a father for his daughter. Beyond those two types of love (romantic and parental), there are many other kinds of love. Remember, English is an imperfect and imprecise language. There is ones love for his dog, ones love for a certain car, football team, church, favorite shirt, pizza, etc. These are all different forms of love for different kinds of things. If you give your dog a hug, is it romantic? If you give your boyfriend a hug, is it romantic? There lies the difference. Jesus said, “Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery: (28) But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart” (Mat 5:27-28, emphasis added). So, if a man can be led to commit adultery just because of the way a woman looks, how much more dangerous is a little physical contact? In that passage, what does the word “lust” mean? Webster’s 1828 Dictionary is the one I use to look up King James Bible words. In this case, Webster defined lust as: 1. Longing desire; eagerness to possess or enjoy; as the lust of gain. Ex. 15. 2. Concupiscence; carnal appetite; unlawful desire of carnal pleasure. Romans 1. 2Peter 2. 3. Evil propensity; depraved affections and desires. James 1. Ps. 81. So, lust is an illegal or unlawful desire of carnal (physical) pleasure.

When he brushed into you for the first time, in your heart, did it feel different than it did when your dog ran by your leg? When he took your hand for the first time, was it different than shaking some visitor’s hand at church? Did you want him to hold your hand again? Of course. This is completely natural, this is how God designed us. God designed each one of us to be a perfect match for someone. God has that perfect husband waiting for every girl. It is the unmarried person’s job to preserve all of their physical purity for the one and only one God intends to be their spouse. The first touch should be special. The first hug, the first kiss, the first embrace should all be firsts. If you give those “firsts” away to someone you will never marry, you have stolen something away from the one you ultimately will marry. Again, in 1 Cor 7, Paul is dealing with the husband and wife. In that chapter, he goes on to say that the wife should not defraud her husband and the husband should not defraud his wife. He is not talking about one stealing from the checking account, he is talking about the fraud that can occur in the physical relationship. Will any kiss ever be more special than your first kiss? No. Even if you are not married and have no idea who you will marry, if that first kiss was not shared with your husband, you have defrauded him of something.

Aside from the firsts, the real danger is in the unlawful affection. God designed the physical relationship to be confined to marriage.
Heb 13:4 Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge.
So, imagine this: some guy slides up beside his girl and takes her hand. They both like it. They hold hands for a while, then one day he slips his arm around her. That’s nice too. Now, they both want a real hug. Maybe she thinks, “this hug is nice, I bet a kiss would be nicer.” She finds out that she was right. See how there is a progression? See how one leads to the next? God designed this process and He designed it to continue to an end in the marriage bed. However, outside of marriage, even that first touch creates a desire which cannot be lawfully fulfilled outside of marriage. If that process were taken to the end God designed, outside of marriage, it would become fornication. In order to avoid fornication, some in our society, try to claim that you can put the brakes on the physical relationship. Some have created a rule that says so much and no more (though, in reality, the world has abandoned these rules). We want to appease our flesh by allowing a little of the physical process but we lie to ourselves when we claim we can control it. God never intended that process to stop with a kiss, God intended it to be fulfilled in the marriage relationship. When we are honest, we all know we want more than a kiss. This is lust – it is a desire for that which we cannot have. Paul’s position in 1 Cor 7:1-2 is a protective one. Fornication and adultery are sins. Physical contact between a man and a woman can easily lead to fornication (the unlawful physical relationship) or adultery (the unlawful desire for a physical relationship which occurs in ones heart). By completely avoiding physical contact in a romantic context, you never create that desire.

More dangerously, if your first kiss (and we will leave the discussion at kisses) is not your husband, there will always be a point for the devil to tempt you saying, “you know, that other guy was a better kisser than this one.” You will always be tempted to look for something that is better than the your husband. Does God want you to marry the one who is best for you or who is the best kisser?

What if you are dating the perfect guy and you know he is the one you will marry. Is it okay to kiss? No. Whether you call it dating, courtship, betrothal or fishing, it is a process where you are getting to know someone and actively looking for reasons to eliminate him (her) as a potential spouse. So, what if you know he is the one and you kiss him, then you discover he is a total jerk and not worth the air he breathes? You have stolen from the purity God intended for your husband and given it to a total jerk.

About being “pure.” Suppose you had been out in the hot sun all day long. You’re tired, beaten from the sun, hot and thirsty. Then I come along and offer you a cold glass of crystal clear, ice cold water. Would you take it? What if I told you that I took just a few drops of water out of the toilet and put in that glass. Oh, it still looks crystal clear. You’re hot, tired and it seems like you’re about to die of thirst, would you drink it? It’s just a little impure. Would you drink it?

All to say this: the practice of no physical contact is not a precept as in “thou shalt not lie,” but it is a very clear principle of the Word of God placed there to protect us from violating a very clear precept (thou shalt not commit adultery). Whether we are married or unmarried, we must actively guard our purity. Any impurity is a contamination, it is a taint. A kiss, a hug or even holding hands, in a romantic context, introduces impurity.


Anonymous said...

Thank you. It all makes sense to me now but what do I do. I mean, I know I have to break up with my boyfriend. I know I was wrong for kissing him and letting him touch me in other ways. But how do I get clean? Am I destroyed? Damaged goods?

I do go to a good church, one that preaches hard and teaches the same thing. But I have never seen in like you explained it.


Randy Ross said...

Hi Kaitlyn. Thanks for your comment.

Are you saved? You mentioned that you go to a good church (funny, I am working on a series about what a good church is). You should be able to talk to your Pastor's wife or Youth Pastor's wife about this. Hopefully they will agree with what I am about to say. :)

Yes, you need to break up with him. Anytime someone causes you to sin or to take your eyes off the Lord you need to get that person out of your life.

No, you are not damaged goods or destroyed. You are a sinner, just like the rest of us. We all have sinned and we all bear the marks of our sin. Any sin will leave a scar in our life. This sin is no different - it will leave a mark in your life too. Still, you must confess it as sin and move on. You must also resolve to some things:
First, you must resolve not to date until you are ready to be married.
Second, you must resolve never to be alone with someone until you are married to him. Some think it is okay to be alone in a date, even at a very early age. This is making a place for the devil and It is creating a temptation to sin. If you are never alone, you will never have a chance to commit that sin.
Third, you must resolve never to touch a boy until you are standing at the wedding alter and the preacher says it is okay. This is the only way.

I believe if you resolve now to be pure, God can give you a pure heart and a pure mind. There will be times when you will struggle, but if you allow God to help you in those times, you will be okay!

Don't be discouraged and don't despair. Just let God do the work He wants to do in your life.